People who are emotionally available will be honest about their emotions, even when it is awkward or embarrassing, Pearson notes. For example, they might let you visit their messy apartment or introduce you to their core group of friends, she adds.
Communication will also remain consistent rather than switching back and forth, sending mixed signals. Here are 10 signs they’re emotionally unavailable:
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1. They’re always busy
Emotionally unavailable people tend to be wary of intimacy and have difficulty expressing their emotions, often having trouble discussing future plans or labeling their relationships; when confronted by emotional moments they may become defensive or avoidant.
Lurie suggests that they might prioritizing physical intimacy over emotional connection as a way to “keep their distance” and avoid having difficult discussions about love and relationships.
Underperforming employers might only appear when there’s an event or plan taking place; they’re unreliable when it comes to providing regular updates, according to Pearson.
2. They’re not committed
Many emotionally unavailable people may not even recognize they’re being emotionally distant; they fail to see the telltale red flags such as making light of deep topics, avoiding intimacy and emotional connection, prioritizing independence over closeness or acting defensively during conversations about emotions.
Emotionally unavailable people tend to avoid commitment, whether that means to romantic relationships or new projects. They might avoid intimate conversations and cancel plans, preferring instead to hang out with others all the while claiming to be busy; all while creating confusion and heartache. It’s clear evidence of them not being available.
3. They’re overly independent
Independence is often seen as a positive trait; however, when someone prioritizes it over emotional intimacy. For instance, if they quickly change the topic or make jokes when conversations become deep or emotionally charged, this may indicate they’re trying to avoid vulnerability and closeness in relationship.
Sometimes those in relationships who seem emotionally unavailable hesitate to commit to future plans or labels in the relationship, which could be seen as an indicator that they’re emotionally unavailable. They might try avoiding natural bonding hormone oxytocin by not being vulnerable enough and creating distance. They may use “timing” as an excuse not to accept accountability.
4. They’re non-committal
Emotionally unavailable people can have difficulty making commitments – whether that’s to you as their romantic partner or their life plans. They may avoid discussions of commitment or act hesitant when the subject comes up.
Some individuals tend to avoid discussing their feelings directly and instead turn every conversation into a joke, rather than face the discomfort associated with speaking openly about them or processing what’s actually going on for themselves. This can be very frustrating when attempting to open up about struggles and vulnerabilities of your own.
Physical intimacy allows them to avoid emotionally vulnerable discussions, thus keeping you on their terms while distancing themselves from the relationship.
5. They don’t want to talk about you
If your partner laughs off emotions such as sadness over a friend leaving or fear about the state of our nation with humor, that could be a telltale sign they’re emotionally unavailable. Instead, someone who’s truly emotionally available would try to empathize with you and validate your feelings accordingly, says Pearson.
As soon as they recognize emotional unavailability, the sooner it can be addressed for your mental wellbeing. If this situation arises for you, make a note to yourself about your options immediately – the earlier that unavailability is identified, the greater its benefit to both parties involved.
6. They don’t want to talk about your feelings
People who are emotionally available tend to be comfortable sharing their emotions with you and will make it a point to listen attentively. Such individuals prioritize the health of your relationship and are more inclined to discuss sensitive topics openly despite feeling nervous themselves.
Conversely, an emotionally unavailable partner may not be willing to discuss difficult topics with you such as hurt feelings or recurring arguments, says Farina. They might avoid discussing them altogether or react defensively.
Emotionally unavailable people may also be reluctant to commit, either exclusively or otherwise, she adds. They might question your intentions or accuse you of things without basis in fact.
7. They’re not emotionally available
Emotionally unavailable people tend to be defensive, placing blame for their problems on others and having difficulty empathizing with those around them. Furthermore, these individuals find it hard to open up about sensitive personal matters.
Individuals who prioritize themselves above others often appear as workaholics who prefer socializing over professional pursuits.
Pearson notes that many are reluctant to discuss their feelings or engage in “what are we?” conversations due to past experiences and fears of being hurt, as well as reservations over making commitments.
8. They don’t want to be intimate
Emotionally unavailable people have difficulty experiencing emotions themselves and often seek to avoid intimacy with others, either by withholding details about themselves, not disclosing labels in relationships, or postponing decisions such as moving in together. This may manifest in them not opening up about personal details about themselves or delaying major life milestones like moving in together.
They might also keep conversations at a superficial level, quickly switching the subject or making jokes when vulnerability-inducing topics come up – perhaps this is their way of protecting themselves and avoiding real relationships forming over time. And this doesn’t just apply to romantic ones; this sentiment applies equally well in platonic friendships too.
9. They’re not emotionally available
An emotionally unavailable person does not wish to engage with emotions or deep relationships in an emotionally responsible manner, for instance by not sharing their feelings, omitting reference to relationships, or not making plans for the future. This may mean they avoid talking about them or they avoid acknowledging them altogether.
Reacting defensively could take many forms; for instance, changing the topic or making jokes when conversations move towards more emotional subjects might demonstrate this discomfort with vulnerability. Or they might prioritize casual, lighthearted interactions over emotional intimacy by stockpiling your favorite coffee creamer or knitting you a hat as mementos of how they feel.
